


The Long Road

by Skylark62



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-05-01 00:26:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5185253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylark62/pseuds/Skylark62
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rafael feels guilty for asking Nick to testify at his father’s trial. He decides he should apologize and try to repair their relationship. What follows is not what either of them expected. </p><p>Follows the episode ‘Padre Sadunguero’ but is slightly AU following that, especially regarding Nick and Amanda’s relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Long Road

As Liv walked out into the cool Manhattan air and took a deep breath, she heard a voice behind her, calling her name. It was Barba. “What are you doing here?” she asked him.

 

He sighed. “I wanted to check in with you, see how Nick is doing. You’d both gone by the time I got my papers together, and I wanted to apologize to him. I know I pressured him into testifying, and I wish I hadn’t, especially seeing how it turned out. How’s he doing?”

 

“Not good. To make things worse, his father has just turned up to talk to him.” Liv filled him in.

 

Barba looked shocked.  “I can’t believe he has the nerve. You’ve left them alone together?”

 

“Yes. Nick told me it was okay. I am worried though.” Liv admitted.

 

“Don’t worry. I’ll go in and check to make sure he’s okay. I won’t interrupt, but if I can stop things getting worse, I will.” Barba started to walk towards the steps Liv had just walked down. “Families… they can be a nightmare.”

 

“You don’t need to tell me that,” Liv commented, and the tone of her voice made Barba stop and look at her.

 

“Liv?” he questioned.

 

“A story for another time,” Liz told him. “Go check on Nick. He’s the one struggling at the moment. I’m not sure you’re his favorite person at the moment though.”

 

“When have I ever been?” He said ruefully. “I had enough problems with my old man though. Nick’s not the only one with an abusive Cuban father. I can empathize and he knows it. So maybe he will let me in, just this once. I’ve got to try.” Barba looked down and sighed. He knew his relationship with Nick had never been good, and wasn’t sure how his presence would be taken by the detective, but he couldn’t just go home and let it go without attempting to improve things. They did have to work together. 

 

“Good luck,” Liv said, and smiled at him before turning and walking away.

***

 

Barba slowed down and stopped just before turning the corner to the SVU bullpen. He didn’t want to inflame things by letting Nick or his father spot him, at least until he could figure out what was happening between the two. He heard Nicholas pleading with Nick to talk to him, and to let go of his anger before it consumed him too. He moved so he could see round the corner and saw Nick’s father kiss him on the cheek then walk away. Barba quickly ducked into a doorway until the older man passed. Once he had walked away, Barba stepped round the corner and looked at Nick, who seemed frozen in place. Barba spotted the tear tracks down his face and looked at his eyes and saw the devastation there. Then Nick seemed to come out of his trance, and before Barba could move, the detective saw him.

 

“Why are you here?” Nick spat out when he saw the ADA, turning round to wipe his face, hoping the other man hadn’t seen his tears. 

 

Barba held up his hands in a surrender pose. “I wanted to see how you were doing, and apologize. I know this case has caused a lot of damage to your family relationships, and I’m sorry for making that worse by asking you to testify. I’m even sorrier I couldn’t make it count and get him convicted.”

 

Nick sighed then slumped against his desk and ran a hand through his hair. He knew he was taking out his anger on the wrong person. “This case isn’t your fault, it’s my father’s. And you did your job. You had to ask me to testify, just as you would do any other witness. Just because we know each other and work together doesn’t change that. “

 

Barba approached Nick and saw the fatigue in his face and whole posture. “Come on, Nick, let’s get you out of here. You look exhausted.” He picked up Nick’s jacket and handed it to him, then waited while he put it on before walking with him to the door.

 

“Yeah, well I haven’t been sleeping well recently. Can’t imagine why,” he said sarcastically.

 

“Go home and get some rest. Now it’s over you might be able to rest better,” Barba suggested as he steered them towards the taxi rank by the station.

 

Nick resisted and instead headed the opposite way, towards the nearby bars. “I doubt it. I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, and I definitely need a few drinks tonight. Don’t worry about me Counselor; you’ve done your duty and can go home now.”

 

“I thought you said you didn’t want to be alone?” Barba commented with a cautious smile. “If you want company and a few drinks, then I’m in. We won’t talk shop and I’ll make sure you get home safe at the end of the night. I might not be your first choice for a companion, but I’m here and offering.  I’ll even buy the first round.”

 

Nick stopped and looked at Barba, as if assessing how genuine he was being. He did appreciate Barba making the effort to see how he was doing when he was under no obligation to do so. He realized all he had done was take out his bad mood on the other man.

 

Barba realized Nick needed more convincing. “Look Nick, I know we have never got on that well, but I think that could change if we made the effort. We have a lot in common, and work together regularly. I’d like to start again and see if we can be friends.”

 

Nick looked down but didn’t respond. Barba’s heart sank. He had hoped Nick would agree. They tended to be so prickly with each other it made work awkward sometimes and he would like to improve their relationship. Plus now he had gotten to know Nick better, he found he actually liked him. Sure he had a hot temper, but Barba could see where he got that. He was a good man though, and a good detective.

 

But then Nick surprised him. “Friends huh?” he questioned.  “Well I suppose I can never have too many of those, especially as most of my family isn’t speaking to me now.“ Just then a rowdy crowd got out of a taxi and headed into the nearest bar. It reminded Nick that it was Friday night and everywhere would be heaving with people. He pulled a face. “I’m not sure I’m up to fighting the crowds tonight though.”

 

Barba was pleased that Nick was agreeing to get drinks with him, but obviously they needed a change of venue.  “Okay, so your place or mine? I’ve got a good bottle of scotch at home we could have if you want to come to mine. I’ve got a guest room as well to save you having to head home later. You don’t have to work tomorrow do you?”

 

“No, Liv said I could have a few days off if I needed, so I don’t have to come in  as long as I text her to let her know I’m taking the time.” Nick considered the idea. Drinking Barba’s no doubt expensive scotch sounded a better idea than going back to his house. It was a tip there as he hadn’t bothered to do any cleaning recently with the court case ongoing, and he didn’t have any decent booze in the house either. “Okay Barba, your place it is. Thanks.”

 

Barba smiled at Nick and then headed back towards the taxi rank, managing to get a cab quite easily, and giving the driver his address as they both got in.

 

***

 

It didn’t take long to get to Barba’s upscale apartment, and they got the elevator up to the 10th floor where he lived. None of the SVU squad had been here, and Barba would never have imagined that Nick would have been the first one he invited there.

 

Nick walked in and took his coat off as Barba turned on the lights and shrugged his own coat off.  Nick looked round with interest at his surroundings – it was clean and tidy, and obviously the décor and furnishings were expensive. Just what he expected from the ADA.

 

“Do you want ice, or is neat okay?” Barba asked the detective.

 

“Neat is fine,” Nick answered.

 

Barba emerged from the kitchen with a bottle in one hand and two glasses in the other. He headed for the seating area and sat on one end of the three-seater couch, putting the glasses and bottle on the table as he sat down. Nick joined him and took a glass that the other man had just poured at least a double measure of scotch into.  “Thanks,” he said.

 

Barba clicked glasses with him and said “cheers,” before they both drank. It was definitely very smooth and looking at the bottle, very expensive, more so than he ever bought for himself. No doubt the ADA could afford it though.

 

Barba looked seriously at Nick, as a thought occurred to him. “Have you eaten anything today?” He suspected not, as he knew the case had upset the detective, but thought some food would be a good idea bearing in mind they were planning on drinking the rest of the evening.

 

Nick looked surprised then thought about it. “No. I can’t actually remember when I last ate.”

 

“Well we need to change that then.” Barba got up and went to the kitchen, getting two dishes from the freezer and putting them in the microwave. “Chill okay for you?” he asked.

 

“Yeah,” Nick said, surprised that the ADA had food in. He had expected they would be ordering take-out and commented that to Barba.

 

“I get sick of take-out. It’s the only option when I’m stuck late nights at the office, so I try to avoid it when I’m at home. This is home-made and rather good, if I do say so myself.” Barba got out plates and cutlery as he told Nick this.

 

“You made it?” Nick said, very surprised. “Wow. You’re full of surprises tonight, Barba.”

 

“You can use my first name you know,” Barba commented, then changed the subject back to food. “The chili's got a kick to it, but I’m sure you can handle a bit of spice. I try to make a big batch when I get the urge to cook so I can freeze a few meals for later. I like cooking. I find it relaxing.”

 

Nick tried to remember if he had ever used the ADA’s first name before, and decided he hadn’t. He had always been ‘Barba’ or ‘Counselor’. He remembered that the other man had been calling him ‘Nick’ all evening so far though, and realized that if he was drinking and serving dinner to someone he worked with and was trying to be friends with, he would want to be called by his first name.

 

“I like a spicy chili, yeah, that sounds great. Thanks Rafael.” Nick tried out the ADA’s first name and although it seemed a bit strange to be using it, it got a warm smile from the other man, so he decided to make the effort to keep using it while they were outside work.

 

The microwave pinged and Rafael put the bubbling chili onto the two plates, and then got out some dips from the fridge and chips from a cupboard. He put all the dishes onto a tray and carried it into the lounge and put it in front of them. They each helped themselves to some then started eating.

 

“This is delicious,” Nick complemented the chef. “It definitely has a kick, but I like it like this.”

 

“Thanks. I’m glad you like it. It should help soak up some of the whiskey we’re planning to drink too.” Rafael said, after he had finished his mouthful of food. They were pretty silent while they ate, and Rafael was pleased to see that Nick polished off the whole dish-full. He knew when he got stressed his appetite died, so hadn’t been sure the other man would eat much.

 

Nick sat back with a sigh after he put down his empty plate and picked up the glass again and drained it of the remaining drink. “Are you still hungry? I can find something else if you are,” Rafael asked him.

 

Nick shook his head. “No, I’m stuffed thanks. It’s great to have a home-cooked meal. I can cook, but rarely get round to it for just myself, and what I cook when Zara is with me is pretty plain, as she doesn’t like spicy food. She’d be happy with just pizza and fries for every meal.”

 

They discussed food for a while and Rafael poured them both another drink. “Would you mind if I go and change? I spend so much of my life wearing a suit I like to relax when I’m at home. I’ve got sweats and a t-shirt that should fit you if you want to get out of your suit too.”

 

Nick looked surprised. He’d only once seen the ADA not wearing his formal work-wear, and couldn’t imagine him in sweats and a t-shirt. The suit did remind him of work and court though, things he was trying to forget, so he decided to take up the other man on his offer. “That’d be good thanks Rafael. I usually change when I get home too.”

 

Rafael led him to his bedroom where he rifled through a couple of drawers and found some grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt.  He then pointed out the bathroom to the detective, who went in and changed.

 

When he got out, he found the bedroom empty so went back to the lounge, to see Rafael sat back on the sofa wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt with bare feet. He smiled to himself, hardly recognizing the man he was spending the evening with. He certainly was nothing like the stuffy ADA he had to deal with at work. This man was more relaxed, open, and friendly.

 

Rafael smiled as he saw Nick walking towards him. The sweats were slightly too short, as the detective was taller than him, but it wasn’t too bad a fit, and the t-shirt fitted nicely, emphasizing the muscles of his chest and stomach that Rafael did his best not to stare at. He was only just becoming friends with the other man; the last thing he needed to do was be caught ogling him.

 

“Can I ask you something?” he asked the detective as he sat down and picked up his glass again. Nick nodded. “I bumped into Liv as I got to the precinct tonight and she made a comment about families which gave me the impression she had a bad experience with hers. Did she have an abusive father too or problems with her mother?”

 

Rafael looked at Nick as the detective tried to decide how much to say. “Her mother was an alcoholic, but she was probably thinking of her father. She never knew him, but what she has learnt about him is worse than my father, and probably yours too. It took her two years of being my partner before she told me about it, but she probably trusts you enough to tell you. Ask her about it. It’s really not my place to say anything.”

 

Rafael agreed. “That’s fine. I don’t want you to betray her confidence. Maybe I will ask her sometime.”

 

“My turn to ask you a question now,” Nick commented, a bit hesitantly, as he wasn’t sure if the other man would be willing to open up to him. “You told me the other night that you had an abusive father too…” He wasn’t quite sure how to phrase the question. “It’s just that you know all about my family’s dirty laundry now, hell the whole department knows…” Nick couldn’t help feeling bitter.

 

Rafael took a big slug of his drink then turned to face Nick. He didn’t like talking about it, but understood why the other man was asking. “Yes he was abusive. He used to get drunk and beat up my Mamá and me when I was young. Luckily he left and didn’t stick around, and although that made it difficult for her as a single mother, it was a hell of a lot better than being a punching bag for him whenever his job got too much or it was Friday night and he’d just blown all his wages on booze. I was glad he left, and he made no effort to keep in touch after he walked out on us.”

 

“I’d just started working for the DA’s office when he contacted me, for the first time in well over a decade. He was in trouble with the law and thought I might be able to get him off. I couldn’t believe the gall of the man. He’d made no attempt to support us or have anything to do with us, and then when he thought there was something I could do for him, he decided to show up again. We had a fight and I told him exactly what I thought of him. He slunk off and I didn’t hear from him again. I heard he’d died of liver failure a couple of weeks after it happened. Good riddance.” Rafael poured out more scotch and took a drink. It was years since he had told anyone about this.

 

Nick leaned forward, looking into his drink. “Tonight, he told me that I needed to let go of my hatred for him, and that it was the reason why I was so angry. He even tried to suggest that I would be like him, and maybe hit Zara.”

 

Rafael put a hand on Nick’s arm to get him to look at him. “You are not like him. You lost your temper with a pedophile that was going to abuse helpless children. You didn’t hit a woman or your child, and I don’t believe you ever would. Don’t start thinking that you might do that. Yes, you have a hot temper, but you’ve learned to control it better now. Don’t give what he said another thought. He’s just trying to get you to forgive him for his sake. It’s good for you if you can forgive and put it behind you, but it’s got to be what you want to do, and not because you are afraid of what you might do otherwise.”

 

Nick relaxed and smiled at Rafael. He knew in his heart that the other man was right. It was just another way his father was manipulating him. It was good to hear this from someone else though.

 

“I’ve never hit a woman and never would. I had a fight recently with…a friend… who tried to provoke me into hitting her. I walked away. I was furious with her, but I never considered actually hitting her. The thought of hurting a child makes me ill. I know I’m not like him, but it’s good to hear that from you too.”

 

Rafael paused before asking another question. “Was that Rollins, I mean Amanda? I know you’ve been seeing each other, and I’ve noticed that recently she’s on edge, and not always in control.”

 

Nick looked at the ADA, again surprised at his perceptiveness. Rafael smirked. “I don’t spread gossip but I do listen and watch what’s going on around me. Much of my job involves reading people, just as yours does.”

 

“I tend to forget that. Yes, it was Amanda. I don’t know what’s going on with us really. I wouldn’t say we’re dating, but more enjoying each other’s company when the mood strikes.”

 

That got Nick a smirk. “Workmates with benefits. Nice if you can get it and it doesn’t blow up in your face. It’s always a risk when getting involved with someone you work with.”

 

That made Nick curious about the other man. He had never heard anything on the romantic grapevine about him. “Is that the voice of experience?”

 

Rafael took another sip of his drink and topped up both their glasses. “Yes it is. It ended badly and I decided to keep work and personal separate from then on. It can lead to a lonely life though, as I spend so much time at work, so rarely get the chance to meet other people.”

 

“Munch told me he learnt a long time ago never to take anyone from work home with him, and Liv has said she won’t get involved with lawyers.” Nick remembered comments from the other detectives. It hadn’t stopped him getting involved with Amanda though.

 

Rafael laughed. “Once bitten with Liv too.” Nick looked at him. “I know about David Hayden. It might have been before my time, but rumors can persist. I heard some comments about how close her and her previous partner were too, but I know he was married and can’t see her getting mixed up in that. That’s definitely something that would blow up in your face, and they were partners for a long time.”

 

“No,” Nick confirmed, “her and Stabler weren’t involved romantically. I get the impression if he had remained single their relationship could have headed in that direction, but he got back together with his wife. They were only ever very close friends.”

 

Nick looked assessingly at Rafael. “So you’re the fount of all romantic gossip tonight, or is it gossip about Olivia you’re particularly interested in? Fancy your chances with her yourself do you?”

 

Rafael laughed. “No, she’s not my type. I consider her a friend, and am happy to keep it that way. I would ask you the same thing, but as you’re with Amanda, I guess she’s your type.”

 

“Like you, I am happy to have Liv as a friend, and as she’s now my boss, that would be even more reason to keep things professional. Amanda isn’t really what I would normally go for; it was more circumstances that got us together. Maria was my type, which is definitely not like Amanda. ”

 

Nick looked at Rafael, having noted that he hadn’t said what his type was. “So what’s yours then? Do you go for blondes, as the thing with Amanda isn’t serious? If you’re interested in her…”

 

Rafael chuckled. “No, she’s not my type. Anyway, as I said, I try to keep work and my romantic life apart.”

 

Nick looked at Rafael until the other man looked at him, and recognized his best interrogatory ‘you will tell me what I want to know’ stare. Rafael hadn’t realized how effective it was until it was turned on to him. He sighed. Why had he ever gotten into this conversation with Nick? He didn’t want to say what his preferences were; especially to someone he worked with whom up until now he didn’t even have a good relationship with. It could cause problems for him if Nick decided he wanted to make trouble. But on the other hand, if he refused to answer, that would stop in its tracks the friendship he was trying to build with Nick. Trust was necessary for that, so he would have to trust that Nick would keep quiet. Rafael looked away and took a large gulp of his scotch to give him courage.

 

“Women aren’t my preference. I’m gay. Is that a problem for you?” Rafael kept looking at his drink, not wanting to make eye contact with Nick and see the other man’s reaction. He had never seen any signs of homophobia in any of the detectives he worked with, and it had come up many times during cases, but you never really knew how someone would react when they found out someone they worked with was gay.

 

Nick put a hand on Rafael’s arm to get his attention, noticing how tense the other man had become and understanding why. He wanted to reassure him it wasn’t an issue for him. When Rafael gave in and looked at him, Nick smiled at him. “Of course it’s not a problem. I’m surprised – I got the impression that you had been involved with the wife of your friend Muñoz, before they got married, but it doesn’t bother me. And I can keep my mouth shut too. I’m assuming you keep it quiet at work as I’ve never even heard any rumors about it.” Nick laughed as another thought occurred to him. “I suppose with your fancy suits I shouldn’t be surprised as gay men usually have more style than straight ones.”

 

Rafael relaxed at that. “Yelina and I were involved when we were young. I suppose I’m bi rather than gay, but mostly it’s men I find myself attracted to recently. And you’re right, I’m not out at work. You never know when someone will use it against you if they are homophobic. Better to keep quiet.” Rafael topped his and Nick’s glasses up again.

 

“Ok, so we’ve clarified what gender you prefer, but I still don’t know what your type is. Blondes or brunettes; slender men or beefcake; white, Hispanic, oriental or black men… come on Rafael - who do you have your eye on now or are you seeing someone at the moment?”

 

It was Rafael’s turn to laugh. He never expected the night to turn out like this, or that Nick would be so accepting, or nosy! “What’s this? Now I’ve spilled my secrets you want to get as much info as possible out of me? You already know more than anyone else I work with.”

 

Nick smiled at him but didn’t say anything, just waiting for an answer.

 

Rafael gave in. “No I’m not seeing anyone at the moment, and there really isn’t anyone I am interested in outside work. I’ve been attracted to all types of different men, as for me it’s more what their personality is like rather than what they look like, so I’m not rigid looks-wise in what I am attracted to.” It wasn’t strictly accurate, but it was pretty close to the truth.

 

Nick thought about this for a moment. “You say there isn’t anyone you’re interested in outside work. So is there someone inside work you like?”

 

Rafael glared at him. “I’ve already told you I prefer to keep work and my private life separate.” Nick was getting rather too close to the truth here, and Rafael really didn’t want him to figure out that he was Rafael’s type. It was one thing for him not to be homophobic, and quite another to find out Rafael was attracted to him.

 

Nick put up his hands in a surrender pose, but didn’t back off much. He could tell he was getting close to something here, as Rafael was getting twitchy. His detective instincts were aroused and he wasn’t going to let up until he got the answer he was after. “I wasn’t suggesting you would do anything about it. You work with a lot of different people, and spend lots of hours working. I know that there is usually someone I find myself attracted to at work, even though I don’t do anything about it.”

 

“Apart from with Amanda.” Rafael pointed out with a smirk.

 

Nick sighed. “True, although if asked before, I would have said that the chances of anything happening between us was minimal. As I said, she really isn’t what I usually go for. Olivia is much closer to my type, although I never would have done anything about it, even before she became my boss. Definitely too dangerous to get involved with partners.” Nick was quiet for a minute, and when he realized Rafael wasn’t going to say anything, brought the subject back to what he wanted to know. “So now you know mine. Time to give up yours. I know there is someone, so just tell me already. You know I’m not going to stop wondering or bugging you until you do.”

 

They both had another drink while Nick considered the possibilities. He knew if Rafael was so reluctant to tell him it must be someone in the SVU squad, and not anyone from the ADA’s office or the courthouse. It had to be a man too, as they had already discussed both Olivia and Amanda. He couldn’t see the ADA having a secret crush on Carisi or Fin… Nick sat up as the truth hit him like a brick. Of course! The only reason Rafael would be so reluctant to admit who he liked was if it was Nick himself.

 

“It’s me isn’t it?” Rafael hung his head down, definitely not wanting to see Nick’s reaction to figuring that out. “I’m flattered. I always thought you didn’t like me.”

 

“Yes, well, usually the best defense is offence, and it makes it easier to keep a distance. It’s been getting in the way of the work though recently which is why I thought we should make an effort to get on better. Don’t worry; tonight wasn’t so I could make a pass at you.” Rafael wanted to make sure Nick realized that despite his attraction for the other man, Nick was safe with him.

 

Nick smiled. “I wasn’t thinking you would. I know you better than that. Thanks for trusting me tonight though. I’m sorry if that turned into a bit of an interrogation. I just had the feeling there was something you weren’t telling me.” Nick sat back and finished the rest of the whiskey in his glass.

 

Rafael finally looked round at Nick. “So now you know.” He didn’t see any judgment in Nick’s eyes, which relieved him, and if nothing else, this had probably taken Nick’s mind off his father. Hopefully with this big secret out of the way, they could really become friends. He smiled and relaxed back in the seat before yawning. He really was tired and it was getting late.

 

Nick laughed. “Looks like I’m not the only one not getting enough sleep recently,” he commented.

 

“Yeah. I’ve had a few late nights this week preparing for the trial,” he admitted. He looked at Nick in time to see him yawning too. It really was catching. He finished his drink then stood up. “Come on, I’ll show you the spare room. I’ve got towels and a spare toothbrush in the bathroom you can use. Make yourself at home.”

 

Nick followed Rafael as he showed him where everything was, and then went into the spare room after saying goodnight to his host. He thought over the evening while he got ready for bed. It had been very unexpected but pleasant. He had previously had gay men make passes at him, which didn’t make him uncomfortable, but he had never had someone he knew admit they were attracted to him. He decided it didn’t bother him, but gave him a warm glow inside. Nick smiled to himself. It was always flattering and nice to know someone was interested, even if you yourself didn’t feel the same way. He had never done anything with another man, and didn’t think he would, although he had to admit he was curious. Not enough to pursue it though, especially not with someone he worked with. He had enough to deal with, as he had gotten involved with Amanda. His smile faded. That was a mess he really could do with getting out of. He fell asleep before figuring out how to resolve it though.

 

***

 

Nick woke up about 9am and stretched in the very comfortable bed. He realized he had slept really well throughout the night, and felt a thousand times better than he had done the day before. No matter what had happened with his father, he had confronted him at last and stood up for himself. He could now put it behind him. It was up to the rest of the family to decide what they wanted to do following the trial. Nick had done the right thing for his own peace of mind.

 

He got up and headed out of the room, smelling the very welcome smell of coffee from the kitchen. When he got there he stopped. Rafael was pouring himself a coffee and standing with his back to Nick wearing only pajama pants and nothing else. Nick assessed the other man, not really noticing he was eyeing him up. Very nice back with muscle definition and the pants clung to his backside enough for Nick to realize it was a nice shape. Nick’s gaze was heading down Rafael’s legs when the other man spoke.

“Stop staring at me.” Rafael turned round and handed Nick a second coffee he had poured out and smiled at his guest.

 

“Sorry,” Nick replied. “It’s just a surprise to see you looking like that.” Despite his words, Nick’s gaze was taking in the front of Rafael’s body, noticing the nicely defined pecs and flat stomach before he managed to wrench his eyes away before they went further down his body. Checking out his groin was not what he should be doing. Anyone would think it was him interested in Rafael, not the other way round. He looked up to see Rafael smiling at him.

 

“Looking like what? Did you imagine I wear a suit to bed, or is it my body you are referring to?” He realized Nick had been checking him out, but didn’t take it as a sign Nick was interested. He was also glad he made the effort to keep in shape, although his physique didn’t match up to the muscles and 6-pack the cop had. Rafael was doing his very best not to stare and make the other man uncomfortable, although it was difficult to do, with Nick standing in his kitchen only wearing boxers.

 

Nick sipped his coffee. It was a very nice blend – no doubt expensive. He could get used to this. He considered Rafael’s question. “I can’t really say I’ve given any thought to what you wear in bed. I suppose I was expecting that with you working a desk most of the day, you wouldn’t be in shape, but I was obviously wrong there.”

 

Rafael told him he went running a few times a week and also was a member at the local gym, which he visited whenever work allowed. This led to a discussion of gyms and workout routines while they drank their coffee. Both men had got used to being semi-naked around each other by this point and although eyes did stray a bit, it wasn’t uncomfortable for either of them.

 

Rafael offered Nick first use of the shower and a change of boxers and socks so Nick wouldn’t have to put on the same ones he had worn the day before, both of which Nick accepted. He then wandered back to the kitchen to get a second coffee when he heard Rafael start up the shower.

 

Rafael had managed to not think about Nick’s body or let his own react to seeing him undressed while they had been in the kitchen, but gave up when he got in the shower. Knowing the other man had been in there naked, only a couple of minutes ago, Rafael allowed himself to remember the smooth golden planes of Nick’s chest and back, and the muscled legs and arms he had seen, while his cock reacted to the memory and swelled, growing hard very quickly. He took himself in hand and used his imagination. It wouldn’t be the first time he had jerked himself off to the thought of Nick, but it was the first time he had such vivid memories to use of the other man, in his apartment, and it was definitely the first time he had seen the body he had only been able to imagine before. He came silently, biting his lip, knowing that the apartment walls weren’t thick enough for any sounds he made to be missed by Nick. The last thing he wanted was for the other man to know what he had been doing. He quickly washed himself and left the shower then made his way to his bedroom to get dressed.

 

When he joined Nick in the living area, he was again in jeans and a casual top as it was his weekend off and he wasn’t going to work. He got out a pan and offered to make eggs and bacon for breakfast, an offer Nick happily took up. He had nowhere to be as he had expected to be working this weekend and was feeling hungry. He was glad he had texted Liv the night before in the taxi so he could relax today. They chatted about music and current news events while Rafael cooked and then as they ate at the kitchen breakfast bar. After they finished, Nick helped him clear up before reluctantly deciding he should leave.

 

Nick put his shoes and coat on and said goodbye to Rafael and thanked him for his hospitality. He knew that he felt so good as a result of the ADA, who he had never expected to be so friendly and welcoming, and was starting to consider a real friend; not just someone he worked with and had to put up with. They shook hands at the door, but then Nick impulsively drew him into a hug. It was a quick, loose hug, but still left Rafael feeling warm inside long after Nick had left.

 

***

 

The next week after Nick’s father had been on trial brought a new case where a stranger had raped a woman at knifepoint. This turned into a serial and two more women had been attacked before they finally managed to catch the perpetrator.

 

Rafael had been contacted during the search as they had needed to get warrants but as usual got more involved with the SVU squad when they arrested and charged the man. All the team had meetings with him as they prepared for trial. It had been noticed by the other members of the squad that the ADA and Nick were getting on better, which most of them thought strange, considering he had recently asked Nick to testify which had led to the detective being at loggerheads with his family.

 

Amanda tried asking Nick about it but didn’t get much of an answer. They hadn’t seen too much of each other recently, and although nothing had been said, she got the impression Nick was trying to cool things between them.

 

Olivia of course had known that Rafael had gone to see Nick the night his father’s court case was over. She had texted the ADA the next day to ask if Nick was okay and if his father had caused trouble. Rafael had answered that he thought Nick was better and his father had left quickly. He didn’t say anything else and Olivia didn’t ask. She was pleased to see the change between them though. It would make her life easier. Nick had asked for a couple of days off and had gone to California to see his daughter, and had come back looking more rested and at peace than he had been in months. She was relieved.

 

The months went by as usual for both the ADA and the detective. What the others didn’t know was that Nick and Rafael had continued to build on the friendship they had started and seen each other outside work quite a few times. A couple of times for drinks after the work day was over, and they had started to meet up to play squash together when time allowed, as they had discovered they were both keen on the sport. They were fairly evenly matched which made for good competitive games.

 

Rafael did hesitate before inviting Nick to join him at a new Mexican restaurant that had opened up near him. He wasn’t sure who else liked spicy food, but was still a bit reluctant to invite Nick to something that could be considered a date in other circumstances. Nick had happily accepted the invitation though, so Rafael relaxed.

 

The restaurant was very nice and the food when they got it was excellent. The more they had gotten to know each other, the more they realized they had in common, and so the conversation flowed easily. They didn’t linger when they finished eating, as they could see a line of people waiting for tables, but they didn’t feel like calling it a night either. So after they split the bill, they moved next door to a new bar-nightclub that had opened up, that neither of them had been in before.

 

The got drinks and sat at a table when Rafael spotted what neither of them had done before this point; it was a gay bar. All the patrons were male, and there were lots of couples there. He was embarrassed. The last thing he wanted to do was be seen somewhere like this, and there was no way he would have ever gone to a gay bar with Nick as the other man was straight. He had to point it out to the detective though.

 

“Nick. This is a gay bar. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it before now. We can drink up and go somewhere else,” Rafael apologized.

 

Nick immediately looked round and saw what the other man had already spotted. He shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll drink these first then go. It’s not a problem. I’ve been in a gay bar before with friends. At least I won’t get hit on this time as people will assume I’m with you.”

 

Rafael’s eyes rose in surprise. “I never would have expected that.”

 

Nick laughed. “What? That I would have been to a gay bar before, or that I would have been hit on by a man?”

 

Rafael smiled. “That you’ve been somewhere like this before. You being hit on I can believe.”

 

“I’ve got a few friends who are gay. I went to the stag night before one friend’s wedding last year and that was held at a gay club. It was an interesting night, and I learnt a few new things that night though about the gay lifestyle. I thought working in SVU I’d seen a lot.” Nick remembered back with a smile. That peek into the lives of some of his gay friends had certainly surprised him and piqued his curiosity.

 

Rafael laughed. “Ahh. I assume if it was a club there was a stage with some rather risqué things going on then, not to mention what you might have seen if there was a back room.”

 

Nick looked at him. “That sounds like the voice of experience.” He couldn’t imagine the other man going to places like that or doing some of the things he had seen.

 

Rafael smirked. “I have had a life you know. It’s not always been just about work. I don’t go to clubs like that now, especially not in New York as that would be far too risky, but I’ve been to a few in the past. I might have the life of a monk right now, but it hasn’t always been like that.”

 

Nick realized how difficult it would be for a gay man in a prominent job like Rafael’s to meet people suitable for a relationship, without even considering the lack of time he had due to the hours he worked. He thought it was difficult to meet people himself and he didn’t have the problems that the ADA had. He decided to ask what he was thinking. “So where do you go to meet people now? It must be difficult with your job if you don’t do the club or bar scene.”

 

Rafael frowned. “I don’t meet suitable people. That’s the problem. But really, the bars and clubs are only good for meeting people interested in a one-night stand, and that’s not what I want now. Occasionally maybe, but I’d much rather meet someone interested in a relationship.”

 

Nick was surprised, although he wasn’t sure why. Rafael was at the age where most people were settled down, and one-night stands were risky and unfulfilling if what you wanted was more than just sex. Nick knew that, although he had spent most of his adult life married. Despite now knowing Rafael was gay, he hadn’t really thought about him having a sex life and he couldn’t imagine him having a one-night stand.

 

Rafael decided to change the subject away from himself. “So how about you. Are you and Amanda still an item?”

 

Nick sighed. “Not really. We haven’t said anything, but I know whatever this is between us isn’t really what either of us is looking for, so I’m allowing it to fizzle out. I don’t really know what I want. I've been in serious relationships from the time I was 20 so I’m not sure I want to settle down in another long-term relationship right now, but I don’t want to necessarily be alone or resort to one-night stands either. Part of me wants to ‘sow the wild oats’ I didn’t get round to when I was younger, but part of me says I’m too old to do that now and it’s too risky anyway. Plus working in SVU can show you all the things that go wrong when you stray too far from what you are used to.”

 

It was Rafael’s turn to be surprised. He hadn’t imaged Nick was interested in anything other than a relationship. It sounded as if he was curious to try new things but just nervous about it. “I don’t think you’re too old. Let’s face it, you’ve got a body of a man 10 years younger than you, so your age wouldn’t put anyone off, unless of course you have a taste for teenagers.” He said this with a smirk, knowing full well that Nick wouldn’t have a thing for young women, but hoping it might get the other man to talk a bit about what he was interested in. Rafael couldn’t even hope that he was curious about men, but he thought it was about time Nick spilled a few secrets.

 

Nick looked disgusted at the thought of getting involved with anyone so much younger than himself. ”No way would I ever consider anyone much younger than me.” He looked at Rafael, and seeing his smirk, realized the other man was winding him up.  

 

“So come on then, what do you fancy trying that you haven’t done so far? I’m not sure sitting in a gay bar with me is likely to get you closer to any of your fantasies.”

 

Nick looked at Rafael assessing him, and glanced down at his lips for a second too. That made Rafael wonder if Nick had ever considered being with a man. He felt hot at even the thought. He didn’t say anything though.

 

Nick looked down at his drink before answering. “I don’t know really. I just feel as if I may have missed out on things. Being with Maria was great, don’t get me wrong, and at times it could be really passionate, especially in the early days, and later when she had been deployed for months at a time. Mostly our life together was about Zara though, and our sex life was pretty routine. I suppose it gets like that with most couples after a while, especially when you have children. But I’ve never had sex anywhere outside, or where we ran the risk of getting caught; never had a threesome; never been with a man; and never even tried most positions in the Karma Sutra. Most of my sex life has been Saturday night missionary position. Pretty boring really.” Nick looked a bit embarrassed at what he had revealed. It was how he felt though.

 

Rafael tried to show no reaction to Nick’s comment about men, and decided to comment on the other points he had made. “Sounds pretty good to me, when I’ve spent far too much of my adult life being celibate. Not through choice either. But it’s not too late for you. I’m sure you can tick most of those things off your list if you really want to, although some of those Karma Sutra positions might leave you in the hospital if they went wrong. A threesome might be a bit tricky, and I wouldn’t suggest getting caught in New York. Your badge might get you off, and I promise I’d do my best to stop you being prosecuted…” Rafael laughed.

 

Nick laughed along with him. “Don’t worry; I wouldn’t put you in that position. An SVU detective being caught participating in a sex crime? No way would I risk that. What about you; what fantasies do you have that you haven’t had chance to live out yet?”

 

Rafael considered the things Nick had listed. “There’s nothing major really. Despite my current barren sex life, I’ve probably done more than you, judging by your list. I nearly got caught when I was on holiday having sex on the beach. I can’t recommend that by the way. Sand gets into lots of places you really don’t want it to. Obviously I’ve been with both men and women, and crossed off quite a few different positions with both, although nowhere near the number in the Karma Sutra – either edition - but I’ve not had a threesome ever.”

 

Rafael turned serious again. “To be honest, having any type of sex life that involved someone other than myself sounds good right now, even if it is the missionary position once a week.” He took a sip of his drink, realizing how long it had been since he had been with anyone, and how lonely he sometimes felt. Spending time with Nick helped the loneliness, and he was enjoying their friendship, but it wasn’t helping him get over the other man, or finding someone who wanted him so he could actually have a sex life again.

 

Nick realized the other man was starting to feel down about his lack of a love life. He put his hand on Rafael’s arm. When he looked up, Nick smiled at him. “I’m sure it’s only a matter of finding the right person. You’re a great guy, Rafael, good looking and have a lot going for you. You’re quite a catch, and I know you won’t stay on your own forever. You just need to get out there and find some way of meeting new people.” Now Nick had gotten to know Rafael better, he knew what he said was true. If he were interested in men, he would find Rafael attractive.

 

Rafael smiled at him, knowing the other man was just trying to make him feel better, but appreciating the compliments and the touch anyway. Nick was a good friend. If he really did want to try being with a man, Rafael could volunteer to help him out, he thought. He smiled to himself, knowing it wasn’t true. He had worked hard on this friendship with Nick and wasn’t about to ruin it, even if he did get the chance. Still, it was a nice fantasy.

 

***

 

The SVU Christmas party was in full swing. Olivia had volunteered her apartment so she could let Lucy go early and spend more time with Noah, and most of the squad were taking turns playing with the toddler. There was a tree up and decorations throughout the living areas, with even some mistletoe between the lounge and kitchen. It was a very festive atmosphere and most of the department were in a cheery mood.

 

Nick however had been drinking too much and was being moody. No one had asked him what the problem was, assuming it was because Maria had Zara for the holidays, and despite Nick not being on call for once, she had refused to agree to change the arrangements. That was the main problem, but not the only thing on Nick’s mind.

 

Over the last few months he had been thinking about his conversation with Rafael about what he wanted, and had come up with some very surprising answers. He didn’t want a series of one-night stands, and the idea of a threesome was laughable. He did want a relationship with someone he trusted, who would understand his job in a way Maria never had, and he did want to try out some new things, but with that person.

 

He had broken things off with Amanda completely, and they had had a difficult conversation about just being friends, but as a result they were getting on better at work and he was sure it was the right thing to do. He hadn’t been with anyone since though, which is probably what had resulted in him having a very erotic dream a few weeks ago.

 

He had woken up out of breath with a very hard cock, and visions of himself wrapped round an aroused Rafael, in the middle of making love to him. He gave in and wrapped his hand round himself and jerked off to the thoughts of thrusting into the other man’s ass, seeing in his mind the arousal on the other man’s face and feeling the strong muscles of the other man’s legs around his waist and feeling the tightness and heat as he thrust into Rafael’s body. It had taken an embarrassingly short time for him to come to those thoughts, and since then he hadn’t been able to forget them.

 

He had never seriously considered being with a man and wasn’t sure where this dream had come from, but every time he saw the other man at work, or thought about the dream, he got aroused. He’d had the dream again a week later too after he had seen the ADA in court. He didn’t know what to do about it. He had avoided Rafael outside work since then, refusing an invitation for a drink one time and making an excuse to cancel their arranged squash game another week. This hadn’t gone unnoticed by the older man, Nick was sure, but luckily so far Rafael hadn’t said anything. Nick couldn’t trust himself though when all he had been able to think about since he had arrived at Olivia’s apartment was how to get Rafael under the mistletoe.

 

Rafael had been enjoying the Christmas party at Olivia’s home. Since he had been accepted by Nick and was good friends with Olivia, he had been invited more when the SVU team got together. He had been watching Nick since he arrived though, knowing there was something wrong with him, and that it was to do with him, as Nick had been avoiding him. He had wracked his brains to try and figure out what it could be, without success. He knew he would need to have it out with Nick at some point, but in the middle of Olivia’s party wasn’t the ideal time or place. He didn’t believe Nick would agree to see him any other time though, as he had made excuses the last couple of times they had arranged to meet up.

 

Olivia had seen Rafael watching Nick and when he went to the kitchen to refill his glass, she followed him. “Have you spoken to Nick recently?” She asked him.

 

Rafael looked at her. “No. I can see he’s not himself at the moment, but I really haven’t seen him outside work for a while. What’s his problem?” Rafael thought Olivia might be able to give him an insight into the other man’s mind.

 

“He’s not on call but Maria won’t let him see Zara over Christmas. I think that started it off, but I’m sure there’s something else that he won’t talk about. I don’t think he has any plans for the holidays and I know some of the others have invited him to join them, as have I, but he’s refused every offer. I don’t know what to do to help him. I know you two have gotten quite close, so I wondered if you knew.” Olivia was worried but at a loss as to what to do to help her friend.

 

Rafael sighed as he looked at the other man, still sitting morosely in a chair in the corner of the room, ignoring everyone and just gazing at his drink. “I’ve no idea as he has avoided me and broken the plans we did have. I’ll try though and see if I can get him to talk to me. I don’t have plans for Christmas as my Mamá is going away to her sister’s this year, so I’ll see if I can persuade him to join me.” He looked at Olivia and smiled. “Don’t worry about him. You just have a great holiday with Noah. You both deserve it.”

 

Olivia brightened as she looked at her foster son, now playing with Carisi who was building up towers for the toddler to knock down. He loved the attention. He might not have a father, but he had a group of uncles who would give him plenty of positive male influence in his life, assuming the adoption was approved. She impulsively kissed Rafael on the cheek before walking away. “Thanks, you’re a good friend to both of us,” she said.

 

“You’re welcome,” Rafael answered with a smile. It had been an unexpected gesture from the sergeant, but was not unwelcome. He watched her walk away then saw that Nick was glaring at him. He assumed the other man had seen Olivia kiss him, but couldn’t figure out why that would have upset him, unless Nick was developing feelings for Olivia. He had said before that he wasn’t interested in her, but maybe things had changed. That wouldn’t explain why Nick had been avoiding him though. Rafael sighed. Guessing wasn’t getting him anywhere. He would have to tackle the other man. Not in front of this crowd though.

 

An hour later the group had thinned out considerably. Nick was still sat in the corner and Rafael had kept out of his way. Instead he had chatted to the others there, including Munch who had briefly turned up, and then done the washing up for Olivia as people started to leave. When he finished, he went and got his and Nick’s coats. “Come on Nick. Time to leave,” Rafael said to him gently.

 

Olivia had retreated to the kitchen with Noah to clean him up and leave the two men alone for a minute. Nick realized they were the only ones left and stood up as Rafael handed him his coat. He was kicking himself. He should have left earlier to avoid this situation. He didn’t want to be alone with the other man. A small voice inside his head jeered at him. ‘Of course you want to be alone with him. Preferably naked…’ Nick ignored this voice as he had been doing for weeks. Drinking hadn’t stopped the voice although he had tried his best to drown it out. Instead it was now making him consider what could happen if he left with Rafael. He had drunk more than he usually did, and that was lowering his inhibitions.

 

Rafael saw the indecision on the other man’s face. “I’ll give you a lift. My car’s downstairs.” Numbly, Nick joined Rafael in thanking Olivia and wishing her happy holidays, and both men got a hug and kiss goodnight. Then they were walking down the hallway and stairs towards Rafael’s car. They got in and set off, and Nick just looked out of the window without saying anything.

 

Rafael wasn’t sure what to do for the best, but one thing he wasn’t going to do was drop Nick off at home in the state he was in. Instead he drove to his apartment. Surprisingly, Nick didn’t even realize where they were until the ADA parked in the underground garage to his building. Then he protested, but Rafael didn’t listen. “Come on Nick. You need some food inside you and I don’t want to leave you alone in the mood you’re in. I’ll feed you and then you can go to bed and sleep it off,” Rafael stated.

 

Nick couldn’t believe he was in this position. His internal voice was laughing and telling him now he could try what he had only been imagining, but Nick was frightened of messing up his friendship with Rafael. He didn’t want to admit what he had been thinking, and he was worried that after all this drink, he might do just that. Rafael had taken him by the arm though and was pulling him towards the elevator and then into his apartment before he had chance to work through his thoughts and protest again.

 

Rafael sat Nick down on the sofa and then went to put on some coffee and heat up some food for both of them. He was worried as Nick hadn’t argued much, and was now sitting docile. That wasn’t like the hot-tempered detective. Rafael had been expecting an argument, which he would have preferred, as that would be more likely to get answers out of Nick.

 

He brought over their food, cutlery and a mug of coffee for each of them before Nick even moved. “Eat up, then we’re going to talk,” Rafael told him. Nick did as he was told. That definitely was not like him. 

 

After they both finished, Rafael looked at Nick, staring at him until he got his attention. “So what’s up with you Nick? You’ve been avoiding me for weeks, and are definitely not yourself. I know you haven’t got plans for the holidays and don’t have Zara, but I don’t think that’s the only thing wrong with you. So what is the problem? I might be able to help.”

 

Nick laughed at that. “No, I don’t think so.” He thought about telling Rafael that he was attracted to him and wanted to make love to him and imagining the look on his face made him laugh louder. He knew the other man was attracted to him, but he wouldn’t get involved with someone he worked with, and definitely not with a straight guy who wanted to use him as an experiment. Rafael had more sense.

 

Rafael decided to change tack. “I saw you glaring at me earlier when I was in the kitchen after Olivia kissed me. Is that the problem? Have you developed feelings for her? You can tell me. You know I won’t say anything and keeping it bottled up isn’t doing you any good.” He paused for a few seconds but Nick kept quiet and still wouldn’t look at him. “You know I’m not going to give up, just as you didn’t with me last time we were here, so you might as well tell me now. Come on Nick. It can’t be that bad.”

 

Nick put the mug on the table and closed his eyes. He had seen Rafael with witnesses and knew once he got the bit between his teeth that he wouldn’t stop until he had an answer. The little voice inside him encouraged him on, telling him that Rafael had admitted he was attracted to him and they had still become good friends, and so this admission wouldn’t change things. He looked at Rafael so he could watch his reaction. “No Rafael, I haven’t developed feelings for Olivia. It’s you I’ve developed feelings for.”

 

Rafael was confused but a part of him had already figured out what Nick was going to say before he said it. It was the only thing that made any sense. “But you’re not into men,” he said, stating the obvious.

 

Nick laughed, but it was a laugh of frustration, not humor. “Tell that to my dick,” he said in a low voice. “It seems to think otherwise, especially in the middle of the night.”

 

Rafael sat back shocked. He wasn’t sure what to do. Obviously doing something about their mutual attraction wasn’t an option, even though he would like nothing more. Nick was drunk, and straight. His non-reaction was igniting the anger that Nick hadn’t realized he felt though.

 

“Speechless? I never thought I’d see the day that Rafael Barba was speechless. So do you feel better now that you know what my problem is? You were so sure that you could help. Well I can think of one way you can help me, but as we work together and you keep work and your personal life separate, I don’t see you doing that. You’re always in control aren’t you Rafael. Never overcome by passion. Always doing the right thing. So what do you want to do now – take me home to be on the safe side? You’d better lock your bedroom door otherwise, as you never know what might happen if you don’t.”

 

Well Rafael had thought that getting Nick angry might make him talk, but he hadn’t expected this. As Nick spoke, Rafael found his temper getting shorter. Did Nick really think he was passionless and always under control? Didn’t he realize how tempted he was to just grab Nick and kiss him like he had wanted to do for months, years if he was honest?

 

As Nick spoke, he had stood up, and Rafael found himself standing too, to minimize the height difference between them. By the time Nick finished talking, he was right in Rafael’s face, jabbing his finger into the older man’s chest. This was the last straw for the ADA.

 

“God damn it Nick, shut up!” Rafael had reached the end of his tether and he grabbed Nick, and crushed the other man’s mouth to his. Nick immediately responded and within seconds their mouths were open and tongues tangled. Their hands were grabbing each other and their cocks were both hard as they thrust against each other.

 

Rafael came to his senses and wrenched his mouth away from Nick’s and pushed the other man away from him so hard he fell back on the sofa. He wiped across his now tender mouth with a trembling hand as he took deep breaths to get himself under control again. He couldn’t believe he had lost it like that. Nick was drunk, and had needed him to keep in control when he wasn’t. He had blown it. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” he muttered without looking at the other man.

 

Nick was staring at Rafael, hardly believing what had happened. Despite the dreams and his developing attraction, he hadn’t really thought that he would find it a turn-on to kiss another man or feel another man’s hard cock pressed against him. But he was definitely aroused now. He was also shocked he had gotten Rafael to lose control and show his passionate side. He liked it, a lot. And he wanted more. Sod work; they both wanted each other. Their friendship was probably ruined anyway, so why not carry on.

 

Nick stood up again and put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder. Rafael flinched and pulled away. Even more determined now, Nick turned the other man to face him and moved closer, putting both arms round him. “Why stop now? That was going so well and is obviously what we both want…” Nick thrust his still aroused groin forward into Rafael’s and cupped the man’s ass to keep the ADA in place.

 

Rafael kept looking away from Nick, fighting to keep control of his traitorous body. Nick brought his free hand up to his face, turning it until Rafael had no option but to face him, then crushed their mouths together, trying to get Rafael to respond. He didn’t, but he also didn’t fight Nick as he could have done.

 

When Nick had to let him go to breathe, Rafael used the time to try to get through to the detective before things got worse. “Yes, it may be what we both want now, but what about later? What about work? You’re still straight Nick, and once you’ve had your curiosity fulfilled and ticked ‘sleeping with a man’ off your sexual wish list, what then? I don’t want a one-night stand with you. I want a relationship, and as that’s not possible I want to just stay as friends. So let me go. You’ll get over these feelings. We don’t have to give in to them. Please. I really need you to let me go.”

 

Something about the pleading tone of Rafael’s voice got through to Nick who did as he had been asked and let him go. Rafael immediately stepped away and went to the kitchen and got out his bottle of scotch and a glass. He poured himself a healthy double and knocked it back before pouring himself another one. Nick watched this before asking if he could have some too. Despite drinking too much at Liv’s earlier, he now felt sober as he realized what he had nearly done.

 

Rafael eyed Nick cautiously for a couple of seconds before getting another glass and bringing both glasses and the bottle to the lounge table. This time he sat down on the chair on the opposite side of the table though, to keep plenty of space between them. He hadn’t been frightened when Nick had grabbed him, as he had been sure he could stop the other man if he couldn’t get him to back off with just his words. He had been more worried about losing control himself and giving in. Now he felt more in control of the situation though.

 

Nick sipped the scotch slowly as they sat in silence. He had come to his senses now and realized how close he had gotten to ruining things. He could read in Rafael’s reaction that he was frightened of getting hurt. Not that Nick would deliberately hurt the other man, but he could see that if Rafael wanted a relationship and Nick dropped him after one night with him, that that would be the result. He couldn’t blame him for wanting to protect himself. If Nick really was just curious, he shouldn’t use Rafael as an experiment. It wasn’t fair.

 

“I’m sorry, Rafael. I shouldn’t have said or done that. I know enough to not force myself on someone, especially with my job, I see the aftereffects of that not happening all too often.” Nick ran a hand through his hair distractedly. He felt so embarrassed and ashamed of himself.

 

“It’s okay Nick. I wasn’t worried about that. I knew sooner or later you would realize what you were doing and back off. I didn’t fight you either.” Rafael reassured Nick.

 

Nick met Rafael’s eyes and saw the forgiveness in them. Maybe he hadn’t thrown away their friendship. “You’re right of course. We do need to think about work, and although I’m attracted to you, I can’t promise to want a relationship with you. I’ve never felt this way about a man before and it’s still freaking me out a bit.”

 

Rafael smiled. “I’ve noticed,” he commented. He thought back to when he had first felt attraction for another man. “When I first found myself wanting another man I panicked and jumped into the bed of the nearest girl just to prove I liked women. Not fair on her or my roommate at the time who I had started to fall for, and who was gay and interested in me. It eventually worked out but it caused a lot of angst in the meantime.”

 

Nick was intrigued, as he had never heard anything about Rafael’s past relationships. “What happened?”

 

Rafael thought back. “After a lot of denial on my part and persistence on his, we got together, although it was in secret. It didn’t last long though and the woman I had gotten involved with and drawn into the problem never forgave me. There was a lot less acceptance of gay relationships then than there is now, but I think Jamie just thought I was ashamed of being with him.”

 

“Were you?” Nick asked.

 

“I suppose at the start I was. It didn’t fit with my idea of myself. I was going to be a rich, successful lawyer with a stunning woman on my arm and eventually beautiful children as well. Being with a man was definitely not what I wanted for myself, even though in many ways our relationship was better than most I’d had with women.”

 

Rafael decided to turn the conversation back to Nick, rather than his own past. “So you said you’ve had dreams about us together. What did you imagine us doing?” If he was going to talk about his sex life, then he wanted something back from Nick too. Plus it would help Nick to think about more sexual options than what he was probably dreaming about.

 

Nick squirmed. “Uum… we were having sex.”

 

“I guessed that,” Rafael commented. When Nick didn’t say anything further, he decided to help him out. “I assume we were having intercourse?” At Nick’s nod, he continued. “Who was on the bottom – me or you?” he was pretty sure he knew the answer to that, but wanted to be sure.

 

Nick cleared his throat. “You were.”

 

Rafael had another drink and settled back in the chair, more comfortable now that Nick was the one off balance. He crossed his legs. If they were going to talk about this, there was a good chance he would get aroused again, and he didn’t want Nick to see that. “You know, not all gay couples have intercourse. And of those that do, not all men like to give and receive. Many men like both but not all. I don’t suppose it occurred to you that maybe I don’t like to bottom.”

 

Nick looked up in surprise. “It was a dream, not something I thought about beforehand.”

 

Rafael smiled. “I realize that, but you’ve had time to think about it since the first dream, and you were all for us giving in to our feelings a few minutes ago. What were you going to do if I had wanted to fuck you, rather than the other way round.” He was quite enjoying this now.

 

Nick looked flustered. “I never thought about that. I don’t know… So you really don’t like that?”

 

Rafael laughed. “Yes I do actually, but not all the time. I would want to be with someone who would like both. I also like blowjobs – both giving and receiving them. I don’t suppose you’ve ever considered having a man’s dick in your mouth either.”

 

Nick shook his head and looked down. He really had never considered the reality of going to bed with a man before suggesting it to Rafael. He found that the conversation was turning him on though. He wasn’t used to hearing Rafael talk about sex so explicitly. Even though it was the subject of most of their cases, the ADA usually found ways not to talk in direct language about the sexual act. He couldn’t ever remember hearing him say the word ‘blowjob’ or even ‘dick’ before, let alone ‘fuck’.

 

“There’s more to gay sex than you’ve considered. If you think you do want to try it out sometime, you should do a bit of experimenting first to see what you might like. Use your imagination, your fingers, or even get yourself a dildo. Figure out what turns you on before you actually get a man into bed with you. Then maybe you can cross it off your wish list if you decide you really do want to do that.” Rafael was watching Nick as he said all this, and using his courtroom skills to keep his face and voice from revealing how much this conversation was turning him on. Just the thought of Nick doing as he said was making him feel hotter.

 

Luckily for him, Nick didn’t realize this. He did think about what Rafael was saying though. Maybe if he did this, his curiosity would be satisfied, and when he found out it didn’t turn him on, he could get over Rafael.

 

He also considered that one of the reasons the other man had turned him down was because he knew Nick had no idea what he was getting himself into. Maybe if Nick found he was turned on by these acts, and came to Rafael again when he was sober, the other man would agree to further his education. Probably not, but either way, it looked like some research was the best thing for Nick to do. Nick smiled at Rafael. “Maybe I will.”

 

Not long after that they went to bed – separately. Rafael thought about what Nick had said about him locking his bedroom door but ignored it. For one thing, he didn’t have a lock, and secondly, if after their conversation Nick did decide to make a trip to his room in the middle of the night, Rafael couldn’t see himself having the willpower to turn him away. The thought of what he would like to do, and what had happened between them fueled Rafael’s imagination as he jerked himself off in bed before he went to sleep. Unbeknownst to him, Nick was doing the same thing in the next room.

 

***

 

The next day they were back to being friends without any of the sexual talk of the night before. Rafael did get dressed before leaving his bedroom though and he noticed that Nick had done so too when the detective joined him for coffee.

 

At this point they were only two weeks away from Christmas, so Rafael decided to invite Nick to join him for the holidays. He thought that last night had put a stop to any idea Nick would have about making any more advances towards him, so he should be safe suggesting they spend the time together, and he really would prefer company to being alone. Rafael was surprised when Nick agreed, and they made arrangements for Nick to come over on Christmas Eve when he finished work and they would go out for dinner. Rafael was going to cook a Christmas meal for them both the next day.

 

By the time Nick left to go home and change for work, they were back to being friends and Nick was in a much better mood. He had a plan now, which would either get him in bed with Rafael or help him get over his attraction for the other man. Whichever turned out to be the case had to be better than the limbo he had been in.

 

***

 

After Nick finished work that night and got home, he decided to watch some gay porn to see if that did anything for him. As he watched it, he tried to imagine himself doing the things he saw, and having them done to him, by Rafael. He found it did turn him on, although he still felt a bit nervous. He then switched off his laptop and before trying to sleep, he took his still partly aroused dick in his hand and thought about Rafael stroking it, and sucking it.

 

He remembered one clip he had watched where the man giving the blow job had moved one hand down until he was stimulating his partner’s asshole, so after taking a deep breath in, Nick did the same thing, moving one hand from his dick and caressing his balls before moving further down. He just stroked the area around his hole without trying to push a finger in, and found that he had lots of nerves there that were enjoying the sensation. He reached into his bedside cabinet to the lube he kept there to make jerking off easier, and slicked up one finger before moving it back to where it had been before. He found the angle awkward, but managed to push one finger inside himself.

 

The first thing he noticed was that it wasn’t painful, not like he had expected, and it was very tight. He couldn’t imagine being able to get his dick inside such a tight hole, especially as it was much thicker than his finger. He moved his finger about, then remembered how to find his prostate, and tried to find it with his finger. He didn’t succeed though, and decided it was because his index finger wasn’t long enough.

 

He removed the finger, which felt even weirder, then slicked up his middle finger as well, then tried to push them both inside. This was more difficult and felt a bit uncomfortable, but still not painful. He again moved his fingers round and this time he found a hard lump when his fingers were angled towards his stomach. He pressed it and felt the jolt of pleasure. He never imagined it would feel this good. He kept pressing it while he fisted his dick with his other hand and felt that he could come in a few minutes with this stimulation. He closed his eyes and imagined that Rafael was sucking his cock, with the ADA’s long strong fingers inside him, and in no time at all he exploded all over his hand. Wow. That had been more arousing than he would have imagined.

 

He pulled his fingers out, finding that it was easier when he pushed out and the tightness lessened. Once he could get his wobbly feet under control he went to the bathroom and washed his hands and cleaned himself of the lube and come before heading to bed again.

 

The next day Nick found himself doing an Internet search again, this time for a discreet website where he could buy himself a dildo. He picked out a smallish one, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to take anything too big. He paid for express delivery too, which guaranteed delivery before Christmas. There was a PO box he still had access to that he had used in his undercover days, so he used an alias and had it delivered there. Much more discreet than getting it delivered in his name, and much better than going into one of the city’s sex shops himself to get one. He waited impatiently for it to arrive, in the meantime finding that he was jerking himself off at least once every day, usually in the shower, and each time stimulating his anus, although not inserting his fingers every time. It depended how much time he had.

 

Coming up to Christmas was the silly season for SVU, with more assault cases than usual being reported thanks to the numerous holiday parties happening throughout the city. Most of these didn’t result in arrest but Nick was kept very busy and so never saw Rafael at all. They swapped a few text messages about preferences for Christmas food and arrangements, but otherwise had no contact.

 

The day Nick was expecting his parcel to be delivered, he made sure to get away from the precinct on time. He headed across the city to the PO box he had and was pleased it was cold enough for him to keep wrapped up in his hat and scarf so no one would see him collecting it. As promised it was in a plain brown wrapping. Nick quickly put it inside his backpack before heading home. He made himself eat some food before he unwrapped the device, somewhat nervously. It was one thing to use his fingers, another again to use something like this. It was hard and plastic and shaped like the organ it was representing. It was definitely smaller than his own, but wider than two of his fingers together were. It would be more difficult to get inside him, although now he was getting used to the sensation of pushing fingers in, he was finding it was easier.

 

He took the dildo upstairs and got himself ready for bed. He had picked a waterproof one, so he decided to warm it up by putting it in a bowl of warm water first. He really didn’t fancy putting something that cold inside himself.

 

He looked at the fake dick bobbing about in the water in his washbasin and wondered to himself what the hell he was doing. He must be mad! But he couldn’t stop himself taking the next step. He washed it and dried it off then took it with him to the bedroom. He lubed it up and then tried to push it inside. It wouldn’t go, and when he tried it hurt. So he gave up and went back to what was usual, using one hand on his cock and one finger then two inside himself. Once he was aroused and comfortable, he pulled out his fingers and tried with the dildo again. He had noticed that if he pushed out while trying to push his fingers in, it was more comfortable, so he tried that while pushing the plastic dick in. This time it slid in, although was still not very comfortable as it was bigger than he was used to. Nick angled it towards his prostate and then pumped it in and out at an angle that would be sure to strike his prostate with each thrust in, while still fisting his cock with the other hand.

 

This felt fantastic! He set up a rhythm, thrusting first upwards towards his hand then down towards the hard dildo. He closed his eyes and imagined it was Rafael above him, his cock thrusting in and his hand on Nick’s cock. He came within a minute, allowing the dildo to be pushed out of his ass as he did. Wow. Nick’s legs felt like jelly and his hands were trembling. It took a good five minutes for him to recover enough to clean up himself and his new plastic friend. He was going to get a lot of use out of this.

 

***

 

Nick tried out his new toy the next day in the shower before work, and found it just as arousing. He realized that although he felt a little bit tender, it wasn’t bad. It was enough for him to feel each time he sat down though. He was in a good mood too, which was noticed by his co-workers. He hadn’t jacked off this much since he was a teenager and he was definitely feeling happier and more relaxed as a result.

As well as their sex life, the other concern that Rafael had expressed was not wanting to have a one-night stand, but instead wanting a relationship or just friendship. Nick had been thinking about that too. He wasn’t into one-night stands himself, although he had had one or two, and honestly the thing with Amanda had in the end felt like a series of them. Maybe that was why it hadn’t felt right and he had broken it off. He hadn’t wanted more with her.

 

With Rafael it was different. They had more in common and got on really well. If he had been a woman Nick wouldn’t have hesitated to get involved with him. It was only the fact that he was a man that put him off. Well he had proved to himself that physically, being involved with a man would be fine as far as their sex life was concerned.

 

That left only the psychological effect of getting involved with another man. Gay relationships were much more accepted than they used to be, but still the idea made Nick feel a bit uncomfortable. But it wasn’t as if they would be coming out to the world. Rafael was in the closet as far as work was concerned at least, and Nick would want to be the same, as there was definitely an issue in some precincts with gay officers getting less support and slower response rates from back-up officers. Where this happened it was stamped out as much as possible, but it still sometimes happened. Often enough that Nick would want to keep it quiet, and so this would fit in quite well with Rafael’s stance.

 

Nick wasn’t sure about his family, but although they were mainly speaking to him now, they weren’t as close as they once had been, so Nick felt that telling them he now liked men wouldn’t be a priority. His children were another matter, but as they were currently not even living in the state, that wouldn’t be an issue for some time. Certainly long enough time for Nick to get used to the idea and figure out if he and Rafael really had something that would last. The more Nick thought about it, the more he wanted to try though.

 

***

 

On Christmas Eve, Nick took an extra bag to work with him with clothes and toiletries to take to Rafael’s apartment. He had debated whether he should bring his new friend with him, and in the end had done, with it in the zipped compartment of his toiletry bag. He hoped he wouldn’t need to use it, but he wanted it with him. What he wanted was Rafael; to be in his bed. Now he knew what he was getting into and if Rafael wanted to fuck him, he was fine with that. He had even bought some condoms and had those with him as well as his well-used tube of lube.

 

The day was chaotic and he ended up leaving closer to 7pm than the 5.30pm he had been due to leave, but Rafael had texted that he was running late too so it wasn’t a problem. They had dinner reservations again at the Mexican restaurant they both enjoyed eating at, and so they met there at 7.30pm.

 

Rafael had spent the last week trying to finish up the couple of cases he had on the go as well as doing some prep work for his next case that started in the New Year. He was happy that he had done all he could so felt relaxed at having a day or two off work.

 

He had thought about what had happened with Nick and was still a bit wary of having Nick round for Christmas. On one hand, he liked his company and didn’t want to spend the holidays alone, but on the other hand, he was concerned about what might happen if they had a few drinks and Nick made another pass at him. He didn’t think that would happen, as he’d pointed out to Nick that he wasn’t ready to go to bed with a man, but he also knew himself. He didn’t think he would have the willpower to refuse Nick if he again made advances towards him.

 

The memories of the passionate kisses they had shared and the feel of Nick’s hard body against his had been on his mind and fuelled his imagination. He hadn’t been so horny in years, and with no way to relieve it other than by himself. Each time he jerked off he was thinking of Nick, and that wasn’t helping, not when he knew the other man was attracted to him too. Hopefully his control would last through the holidays and they would be able to come through them as just friends, so Rafael could move on, and hopefully in the New Year, make some resolutions to find someone he actually could get involved with. 

 

Nick was already at the restaurant when Rafael arrived, both in their suits as they had come straight from work. They got their table and had a lovely meal, with both of them catching up with each other as friends. Both their gazes lingered on each other more than usual though, which they didn’t notice. The twinkling holiday lights gave the restaurant a festive and romantic atmosphere, with a candle lit on each table too. There was even mistletoe hung in the restaurant reception area, which both had spotted when they had arrived. Anyone looking at them would have assumed they were a couple by the way they had their full attention on each other and their body language mirrored each other’s. The restaurant staff noticed and smiled to each other.

 

It was cold outside so they put their coats on in the entranceway before leaving, right under the mistletoe. Rafael was ignoring it, despite being very well aware it was there, and Nick was being indecisive about whether to kiss Rafael under it or not. Another couple arrived to the restaurant and the nearest waiter greeted them. He grinned at Rafael and Nick and pointed upwards. “You’re both standing under the mistletoe. It’s tradition you know – you have to kiss or it’s bad luck!”

 

Both men froze and looked at each other, then Nick took a step forward and lowered his head to Rafael’s. It was a gentle kiss, far from the passionate ones they had shared a week ago, but still had enough heat to start to turn both men on. It didn’t last more than a couple of seconds, but it was enough to remind them both of the week before, not that either had forgotten. After they pulled apart, they looked into each other’s eyes for a second, noting they were dilated with arousal, before they looked away and headed for the door.

 

Nick was elated. Things couldn’t be going better from his point of view, bearing in mind he wanted to spend that night in Rafael’s bed. But the ADA was feeling panicked, worrying about what had been sparked off and even considering calling it off and telling Nick he had to go home. He took a deep breath though to try and calm his heart, which was beating twice the normal rate, and then set off towards his apartment in silence. The snow had started while they had been inside and for once it actually looked nice and white and romantic, unlike it would later when the dirt and the grime mixed with the snow and it turned into slush. They could hear church bell sounds over the sounds from the cars in Manhattan, and it seemed very festive to the two men walking along side by side, deep in thought.

 

When they got to Rafael’s apartment, Nick took his bag into the spare room and changed into jeans and a long-sleeved top before going back in to the lounge. He had brought with him a decent bottle of scotch, knowing he had drunk quite a bit of the other man’s when he had been each time. It wasn’t as good as the one Rafael had, but still was a good bottle, better than Nick usually bought for himself. He got out a couple of glasses and took them with the bottle to the sofa while he waiting for his friend to appear. He also turned on the lights that Rafael had on his Christmas tree and also a couple of lamps around the room, so he could turn off the main lighting for the room. It made it feel cozy and more romantic he told himself.

 

Rafael was changing into jeans and a t-shirt slowly, trying to summon up his usual control, which he thought he would need to get through the evening. The kiss had put him all on edge, and he was worried about what might happen. He slowly walked into the lounge and when he saw Nick his stomach started fluttering. Nick had poured them both a drink and put his on the table by the sofa seat next to his, and had changed the lighting, which give a romantic atmosphere. Rafael almost went back and hid in his bedroom. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to spend the night with Nick and then have his heart broken. He hesitated but then Nick turned round and saw him, and gave him a big welcoming smile. Rafael was lost. He had to see this through, even if it all ended up in disaster.

 

Rafael walked over to the sofa and sat down, although he did move a bit further away from Nick than he would usually do. He took a sip of the scotch and noticed it wasn’t his usual one so picked up the bottle. “This is nice, thanks. You didn’t need to bring any with you though.”

 

“I keep drinking your whiskey all the time, and you’re being the host, and also feeding me, so it’s only fair I contribute in some small way. It’s not as good as the one you usually have though, I’m sorry.” Nick apologized. With an ex-wife and two children to support on a detective’s salary, he didn’t have nearly the amount of disposable income the ADA no doubt had.

 

Rafael looked at Nick as he put the bottle down and smiled. “It’s fine. I like the taste of this one. It’s not one I’ve tried before.” He started discussing different whiskeys he had tried and also told Nick about a whiskey-tasting day he had once attended, which broke the ice between the two of them before it got uncomfortable. By the time they had each had a couple more drinks they were both feeling pretty mellow and relaxed. Even Rafael had let his guard down somewhat.

 

Nick decided now was the time for him to start the conversation he wanted to have. Unlike last time, he wasn’t going to ambush Rafael but instead tell him what he wanted, and let him know he now realized what he was getting into. Nick sipped his drink then took a steadying breath before starting. He had practiced what he wanted to say, but now the time was here, he was nervous and he had forgotten all his prepared speech.

 

“I’ve been thinking about what you said last time we were here when I made a pass at you, and you’re right.” He was watching the other man carefully so he could see what his reaction would be. “I hadn’t really considered what I was getting into or thought about what you might want, or even considered what I wanted other than to get into bed with you. So I took your advice and thought about it, and tried out a few things too.”

 

Rafael looked wary then surprised. Now he was intrigued. “So what have you tried?” he asked with a smile.

 

“I did what you suggested. I used my imagination, my fingers, and even got myself a dildo.” Rafael was taking a sip of his drink to steady his nerves when Nick said this, and he inhaled his drink in shock and started coughing. Nick moved closer and slapped his back, before sitting back when Rafael got himself under control. They ended up closer together than they had been before though.

 

“Sorry about that. You shocked me there. You are winding me up though, aren’t you? You didn’t seriously get yourself a dildo?” Rafael couldn’t believe it so waited for Nick to burst out laughing and tell him it was a joke. But Nick didn’t. Instead he left the room and when he came back he had a slender dildo in his hand, which he put on the table between them. 

 

Rafael couldn’t take his eyes off it. He reached out a hand as if to check it was real and not a mirage, but then pulled it back before touching the plastic object. “You can touch it if you want. It’s clean,” Nick assured him.

 

Rafael looked him in the eyes, still dumbfounded. “You really went out and bought this, and have…what have you done with it?” he asked.

 

Nick smiled. “I’ve done what you think I’ve done. I tried a finger at first, then two, and when I found I really liked that, I decided to buy this and tried it as well. I know it’s not the same size as the real thing, but I think it’s a good start. It’s enough to know I like being stimulated there.” Nick waited for Rafael to drag his eyes away from the dildo again and then continued in a soft voice. “Now I want to try the real thing. I want you to show me what it’s like and teach me what you like.”

 

Rafael swallowed hard. This was more than he had ever expected when he had given those suggestions to Nick. But he still didn’t want just one night with Nick, or even the couple of nights he would be staying for the holidays. He already knew he wasn’t going to be saying no though. His cock was already hard at the thought of it, and they hadn’t even touched yet. “Nick, I still think that we should stay as friends. I told you, I’m not looking for a one-night stand, or to just be your experiment until you decide that although you like men, you prefer women.”

 

Nick moved forward again and reached for Rafael’s hand. He took it in his, feeling the fast pulse at the wrist with one finger. “I’ve been thinking about that too. I don’t want that either. Yes this is all new to me, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to reject you and go running back to find a woman to be with. We get on great, and if you were a woman I’d have asked you out months ago. You’re pretty much in the closet and that’s fine with me, as gay cops don’t always do too well. I realize there would be an issue about disclosure, but…” Nick stopped talking as Rafael held up his other hand to stop him.

 

“Hold on a minute. Disclosure? You really have thought about this and have considered getting involved with me? As in a romantic, monogamous relationship?” Now Rafael was really shocked. This was way further than even he had considered. If Nick really wanted that… Rafael had a big smile on his face at the thought.

 

Nick saw this and knew he had won Rafael over. “Yes. I’ve even been thinking about how long is proper before telling my family, my kids. I’ve always been a relationship person, not into one-nighters, so this would be what I’m used to. With a man I’m sure there are lots of differences, and we would hit some bumps on the road. But yes, this is what I want. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have been considering it, but now I’ve had time to think about it and I’m sure.”

 

“So are you still going to turn me down?” Nick asked, although he already knew the answer before Rafael shook his head. The smile and look of arousal in Rafael’s eyes told him all he needed to know. He pulled Rafael closer and leaned in for a kiss.

 

This kiss started out just as gentle as the last one, but less hesitant. Now they both wanted the same thing. It quickly got passionate and they pulled closer to each other as they started to make out on the sofa. Both men’s tops were  discarded and within minutes they were both lying on the sofa, Nick on top with his hips grinding gently against Rafael’s, and the ADA’s hands exploring Nick’s chest and back.

 

Nick pulled back for a second. “How about we move this somewhere a bit more comfortable?” Rafael nodded and quickly got up, taking Nick’s hand in his own and leading him into his bedroom.  

 

Nick hesitated by the doorway while Rafael went in and put on both bedside lights before sitting on the bed. He patted the space next to him. He could see Nick was nervous, and realized that despite his bravado, he was unsure about this, as it was something he had never done before. “Don’t be nervous. I’ll go slowly and we can stop any time you want to.” Rafael reassured him.

 

Nick came and sat down beside his friend, and soon to be lover. He ran a hand through his hair then laughed nervously. “I don’t know why I feel like this. This is what I want.”

 

Rafael took his hand and squeezed it. “I know it is. But doing things for the first time can make anyone anxious. I definitely was my first time. But we’ll go at your pace and do whatever you want to do. We don’t have to make love tonight. No pressure.”

 

At this Nick looked at Rafael. “But I want to. Now I’ve used the dildo and imagined it was you, I want to try it.”

 

“I believe you. I’m a bit bigger than that dildo though, so we can work up to that if you change your mind. I don’t want you to be sore tomorrow. I’m happy to go first, or we don’t even have to do that at all. How about we make a start and see how it goes?” Rafael wanted Nick to be very sure there were no expectations here, and that Nick knew he could say ‘no’. Working SVU cases meant both men were very aware of the need to get consent.

 

Nick smiled at Rafael. “Okay.”  Rafael pulled Nick to him and they were kissing again before they leaned back and ended up lying on the bed. Now they had more space to move on the king sized bed, and took advantage of it as they rolled around, with first Nick on top before he swapped their positions over so Rafael was over him. Nick explored Rafael’s chest hair which was more than he had himself, and none of his previous partners had had. He discovered he liked it against his chest and liked running his fingers through it. He also found that Rafael’s nipples were sensitive too.

 

Nick was becoming distracted by all the new sensations, so Rafael rolled them over until he was lying flat on the bed, then suggested that Nick explore as much as he wanted to. Nick did that, starting with Rafael’s face by kissing him, and then moved across to his ears, then down his neck before venturingfurther down. Nick wasn’t used to stubble, or as many muscles as he found, but realized he didn’t mind at all. By the time he had finished exploring all the flesh Rafael had on show, the other man was panting and obviously fully aroused.

 

Nick put a hand on Rafael’s jeans button then stopped, looking up at the other man. Rafael nodded. “It’s fine. Go ahead if you want to.” Nick undid the button then pulled the zipper down then stopped. He pulled both sides of the jeans apart, and Rafael raised his hips so Nick could pull the jeans down. He removed the other man’s socks too, so he was only wearing boxer-briefs, ones clearly distended by his erection. Nick’s first thought was that it definitely was bigger than his dildo. He swallowed then traced a finger down it with just one layer of fabric between them. Rafael groaned and arched up towards him. Nick liked that. He moved his hands to both sides of the underwear then started to pull them down, Rafael again helping him by raising his hips.

 

Once Rafael was completely naked, he relaxed down again; waiting to see what Nick would do next. He was very grateful he had taken the time to jerk off this morning before work, as he knew he wouldn’t have lasted even this long otherwise. It had been too long since he had been with someone, and he had wanted Nick since he had known him.

 

Nick moved his hand back to Rafael’s now bare cock and took hold of it. It felt pretty much like his own, and was very hard and hot. Nick fisted it a couple of times then let go, running the pad of his thumb over the top to pick up the drop of pre-come that was there. He looked at it on his thumb then licked it off.

 

“Oh God, you’re trying to kill me!” Rafael exclaimed when he saw this. “I’m not going to last long enough if you keep this up.”

 

Nick smiled. He liked the power he had over Rafael, and the taste wasn’t bad. He knew the taste of his own semen from after Maria had given him a blowjob then kissed him, and it was pretty much the same. He could do this. He bent his head and licked the head of Rafael’s cock, then took it in his mouth and sucked. He knew what he liked, so surely he could work this out. Rafael arched up at the exquisite sensation then immediately backed off as he realized his inexperienced partner wouldn’t be able to cope with him moving.

 

“Keep one hand on my hip to stop me moving, and use your other hand on the base. You don’t need to take it all into your mouth,” he advised Nick. The younger man did as was suggested and found he felt much more in control of the situation. He was now free to experiment more. He could tell from Rafael’s reactions which movements he liked the most, and where he was most sensitive. Nick realized that his jaw was starting to ache and pulled off. By this point Rafael was bright red and panting, with both hands white and fisting the bedclothes in an attempt to stop himself reaching for Nick’s head to keep him where he was.

 

Nick looked at him and realized he had never seen him looking like this, and it turned him on even more. His jeans were tight and cutting into him, so while Rafael recovered his control, he stood up and removed them himself, and his socks. He left on his boxers as he lay back down beside Rafael, leaning on one elbow to look at him.

 

Rafael finally got control then looked over at Nick again, who was lying next to him. “My turn,” he announced with a smile. He pushed Nick back so he was lying flat then started to repeat what Nick had done to him, starting at the top of his body and working his way down. When he had finished sucking Nick’s nipples and licking each ridge of muscle of his 6-pack, he bypassed Nick’s groin and moved on to his knees. Nick groaned, but stayed lying down, now propping his head up so he could watch what Rafael was doing. Both knees were licked and Rafael found a hot spot just to the side of one knee. Then Nick’s calves were massaged and kissed before his ankles were stroked. “You’re not seriously considering going near my feet when I’ve not had a shower since this morning are you? Leave them alone for now, please.”

 

Rafael smirked. “Why, is there somewhere else you’d rather I concentrate on?”

Nick rolled his eyes and flopped back on the bed again. “You know what I want. Please stop teasing me.”

 

Rafael took pity on him and moved further up the bed so he could remove Nick’s boxers. His cock sprang free and Rafael noticed that it was a similar size to his own, and looking just as aroused, and leaking pre-come too. He settled between Nick’s legs and took it in his hand then guided it to his mouth. Unlike Nick, he was experienced at this and could take Nick’s instinctive thrust upwards, as well as taking all of the cock into his mouth and throat.

 

“Oh God, I’m going to come; you have to stop,” Nick begged as he felt Rafael swallow around him. Maria hadn’t been able to take him in this deep and it felt fantastic, especially since he hadn’t had a blowjob for some time.

 

Rafael pulled back and let Nick go. He’d dreamed about this for so long he really didn’t want to, but they hadn’t discussed protection yet, and he wasn’t about to go any further without having that conversation. He waited for a minute for Nick to recover.

 

“So, I know I’m clean as I got tested a few months after my last relationship ended and haven’t been with anyone since. How about you?” Rafael asked Nick. It was always an awkward conversation to have, but necessary, especially between men.

 

Nick blinked as he tried to get some blood circulating in his brain again. “Me too. I got tested after Maria and I split up as I thought she’d been unfaithful to me, and Amanda got tested too after that sleeze-bag had been two-timing her. I haven’t been with anyone else since.”

 

“Good,” Rafael smiled. “I thought I’d better check before you came down my throat.” Hearing his words Nick felt a flush of arousal go through him at the thought.

 

“But I want to…” Nick struggled to articulate what he wanted. He still had the vision of Rafael thrusting into him, and in his mind he came with the other man inside him.

 

Rafael cocked his head to one side. “What do you want? You can have whatever you want. Just tell me.” Nick went red. He wasn’t used to talking about what he wanted, and certainly not in graphic terms. Surprisingly the ADA was more comfortable with this than he was. He managed to get across what he wanted though, although he was bright red with embarrassment.

 

“Ahh, you want to come while I’m fucking you,” Rafael whispered into Nick’s ear as he nibbled on the lobe.

 

“Yes,” replied Nick, finding his partner’s explicit language turned him on even more.

 

“That can be arranged,” the older man purred into his ear. “What’s your recovery time like?”

 

Nick blinked at him at that. Rafael explained. “It’ll take me a while to get you opened up enough to take me, when all you’ve tried before is that dildo. It’ll be easier for you to relax too if you’ve already come. As long as your recovery time isn’t too long, I can finish the blowjob and then you can come again when we make love."

 

Nick grinned. That sounded even better to him than what he had been thinking of. He cleared his throat, which had gone dry all of a sudden. “My recovery time is okay. That sounds great to me.”

 

Rafael kissed him passionately on the lips, and then made his way back down to where he had been before. He swirled his tongue around the head of Nick’s cock and wetted it with saliva before sucking it slowly into this mouth, again all the way to the back of his throat. He worked his mouth and throat around the aroused organ, and then swallowed once, then again. Nick didn’t last any longer than that, crying out and arching up on the bed as he came, pumping his come down Rafael’s throat.

 

The ADA swallowed all Nick had then cleaned him up with his tongue before moving back up the bed to reach into his bedside cabinet. He pulled out a condom and a bottle of lube then just sat there gazing at Nick. He was so aroused he was worried he wouldn’t last long enough himself, so squeezed the base of his cock to take away the urgency.

 

When Nick opened up his eyes, he gazed at Rafael with an amazed look on his face. “Wow, that was… words fail me to express how great that was.”

 

Rafael laughed. “I’m a bit out of practice, but I do like perfecting my skills when I enjoy something. And I do like doing that.” He indicated the lube and condom. “Are you sure about this? You can still say ‘no’ at any point if you decide you don’t want to, or I’m too big for you to take.”

 

Nick raised his eyebrows. “Too big? You think a lot of yourself.” He knew that Rafael would take the joking comment okay, especially as they were both about the same size. “I’m sure.” He smiled at the other man and made a ‘get on with it’ motion to him.

 

Rafael smirked as he moved further down the bed, taking off the cap of the lube and coating one finger in the slippery fluid. “It can feel a lot bigger when you’re trying to fit it in a small hole that isn’t used to expanding that much. Remember, I know this from experience. I’ll need quite a bit of opening up before I can take you after so long without it.”

 

Nick was surprised. “I thought you would have a dildo too since you’d suggested one to me.

 

Rafael laughed. “I didn’t really expect you to get one. I was trying to shock you. To answer your question, yes, I do have one, but it isn’t much bigger than yours. Definitely not as big as you are.”  As he said this, Rafael moved his hand between Nick’s legs and reached down past his balls to his hole. Nick moved his legs apart more and raised his knees to make access easier for the other man.

 

Rafael circled the hole with one finger then gently pressed in. Nick was expecting this so was relaxed, and the finger went straight in without any difficulty. Rafael could feel how tight Nick was though and thrust his finger in and out a few times to loosen it before crooking his finger and aiming for the prostate.

 

“Ahh,” Nick groaned. Rafael was pleased that Nick was so sensitive to prostate stimulation and so attacked it until Nick was thrashing around the bed and his anus loosened up a bit. At that he took the finger out and lubed up a second one, before adding that. Nick took the second finger without difficulty, and Rafael repeated what he had done with the first one.

 

By the time he was ready to add a third finger, Nick’s cock was starting to harden again. ‘Impressive recovery’ Rafael thought. As he tried to push in three fingers, Nick tensed up, so he stopped. “Relax,” he told the other man. “Push out as I push in and breathe out.” He tried again slowly and Nick did as he told him and all three fingers slowly slid inside.  Nick took a deep breath in and Rafael stroked his stomach with his free hand, keeping the other one still. “That’s it, stay relaxed. You’re doing so well.”

 

Rafael felt the tightness ease up a bit as Nick started to relax more, and gradually moved his fingers to stimulate him more inside. After five more minutes of this, while Nick’s cock grew harder, Rafael checked, “How’re you doing? Are you ready for more?” 

 

Nick looked at him in surprise. “More? I thought you had three fingers up there now. How many more are you going to add?”

 

Rafael smiled. “No more fingers. More is my cock. It’s about the size of the base of three of my fingers, but you’ll probably still find it a bit difficult to take. Do you still want to try?” He really hoped Nick wouldn’t change his mind after all this, but was determined to stick to his promise if he did.

 

Nick squeezed with his anal muscles for a second before announcing “Yes. I’m ready.”

 

Rafael pulled his fingers out and unsteadily opened up the condom. Not an easy task when his fingers were slippery. He would have asked Nick to do it but didn’t trust that he wouldn’t come immediately if the other man touched him again. “Okay, but don’t tense your muscles like that on me. It’ll hurt you and I’ll only last about two seconds if you do. I’m not sure I’ll last very long anyway.”

 

Rafael finished rolling the condom down his very red and throbbing cock, squeezing the base again to try and stave off the inevitable. He positioned himself between Nick’s legs, pushing one of the pillows underneath Nick’s hips to make the position easier. “This position isn’t the best for hitting your prostate. It would be easier if I entered you from behind.”

 

Nick shook his head. “No, I want it like this. This is what I imagined, and I want to see your face.” He was red as he said this, and trembling a bit. His nerves had come back all of a sudden. He looked away from Rafael, suddenly embarrassed again.

 

Rafael stopped and leant down to kiss Nick again, caressing his face with one hand while he kissed him until he felt the trembling stop. He kept the other hand on his cock, pumping it slowly, as it slowly got back to full hardness. He pulled away and gazed into Nick’s eyes. “Ready?” he murmured.

 

“Ready,” Nick agreed. Rafael removed the hand from Nick’s cock and held himself steady so he could line himself up into the correct position, then reminded Nick, “Exhale and push out. I’ll go slowly and stop as soon as the head is in.” He waited until Nick started to breathe out and then pushed forward as gently as he could, but still firmly enough to make progress. By the time the head of his cock was inside Nick, Rafael had to take deep breaths himself at the tightness that was squeezing his cock so hard he nearly came. He finally got himself under control again and looked at Nick. “How’re you doing? Are you ready for more now?”

 

Nick kept breathing in and out slowly, trying not to tense up or panic. He kept his gaze on his lover, seeing the arousal there and the pleasure that had come over his face as he had joined their bodies. He knew he could do this. It wasn’t really painful, more uncomfortable. But it was what he wanted. He nodded. He wanted it all.

 

Slowly Rafael pushed forward, watching Nick for any sign of pain or discomfort until he was fully inside. He then stopped. Nick opened up his eyes which had closed involuntarily at the sensations going through him, and looked at Rafael. This was what he had been imagining for the last week, and he finally had it. He drew Rafael’s face down to his own, trying to convey all he was feeling in one kiss.

 

Rafael broke the kiss so they could breathe, but stayed close, watching Nick’s reaction as he started to move. His wildest dreams were coming true. He was determined to make it as good for Nick as he could. He encircled Nick’s cock which had wilted a bit at the discomfort of what had been happening, and began to pump it as he slowly moved out a couple of inches, then thrust back in gently, gradually moving position slightly each time to try and find Nick’s prostate.

 

Nick helped him by wrapping his legs around Rafael’s waist, and then as he got used to the movement, he started moving with his lover. They gradually picked up the speed and depth and Nick arched his back as Rafael hit his prostate. They found their ideal pace together, with Rafael now knowing the right position to aim at now so he could hit Nick’s prostate with each thrust. With this and the hand fisting his cock, Nick was getting double stimulation and Rafael could tell he was getting close, as he was now moaning constantly. The older man had to concentrate not to come too soon. He watched Nick’s face, wanting to see him come this time, and determined to outlast him.

 

Nick suddenly shouted out and Rafael felt hot seed coat his hand at the same time Nick’s ass muscles clamped around his cock. He watched the ecstasy on Nick’s face, and this was the final straw for Rafael who cried out Nick’s name as he came, deep inside his lover.

 

Rafael pulled out slowly, making sure to keep the condom in place before he collapsed to the side of Nick, breathing heavily but with a huge grin on his face. It took a minute to get his limbs under control, and then he removed the condom and wrapped it in a tissue before getting off the bed and heading to the bathroom where he picked up a washcloth. He cleaned Nick up then himself, and threw the cloth at the hamper. Now he could relax. He wrapped himself around Nick again. He had one hand on his heart and could feel the beating gradually slow down as he recovered from his orgasm.

 

Rafael looked at him in wonder. He couldn’t believe that this man, this straight man, who he hadn’t even been friends with a year ago, was now not only his friend but his lover. Rafael didn’t know what he had done to deserve this, but he was very grateful. He couldn’t remember ever being happier. He knew he was falling in love with Nick and didn’t care. This felt right.

 

Nick finally opened his eyes and gazed at Rafael adoringly. “That was so much better than I expected, and was just the Christmas present I wanted. You’re just what I want. Thank you.” He wrapped his arm around Rafael and drew him into a kiss.

 

Outside, a church bell started to ring. It was midnight and now Christmas Day. As the snow continued to fall outside, the two men curled up together and fell asleep, matching smiles on their faces. It had been a long road to get to this point, but they had made it there, together.


End file.
